Gods by Trista DiGiuseppi

Gods

I convinced myself the gods wouldn’t mind if I took some Kit Blossoms from their garden. They never noticed when one or two went missing. Where was the harm? But the Primrose minded. She caught me, early in the dawn, naked to my waist, picking Kit Blossoms in the garden.

“This is murderous!” shouted the little Flower. She ruffled her petals and stuck out her tongue.

I ignored her tiny voice, as obnoxious as she was, and I stuffed the Blossoms into my satchel.

“Not just murderous but thieving!” she hissed.

“Calm yourself, Primrose,” I warned, “Shall I yank you from the ground too?”

She eyed me questionably and asked, “Just what do you plan to do with those Kit Blossoms, eh? Are you going to smoke them? You are such a dope!”

A laugh escaped my lips, and I muffled it with my hand, giggling behind my fingers. Stupid little Flower.
Primrose’s eyes grew wide.

“You are! You are nothing but a horrible, drunken, sprite!” she yelled.

“I am no sprite!” I barked at her, gesturing to my hooves and furry legs.

“Satyr, then,” Primrose corrected her slur. “A knobby-kneed beast-man. Or panboy rather. Pan. Pansy. That’s it. You’re a Pansy!”

“My name is Garret,” I huffed. Then, I bounded away from Primrose, leaping through the garden like a fawn rushing for its life. I wanted to escape safely without being caught. I couldn’t say much for prying Flowers, the nosy little shits they are, but heavier punishment would ensue if a god caught me. Wouldn’t it be nice if Flowers didn’t speak?

“Stop!” ordered a low voice. “State your business.”

Great.

Trees.

It’s always a Tree, isn’t it? They wake up after decades of slumber and want answers. The old bastards don’t even know the time of day. I hate Trees. They want to be kept up to speed the moment they wake up. And given that there are literally thousands of them around, the second one drifts off to sleep not a minute passes before the next one awakens!

“I haven’t time,” I told the Oak.

“Oh…” mumbled Oak, sadly.”But I’m so very bored and lonely. Please tell me – what are you up to?”

“My business is my own, Oak. And I’m in a hurry.”
Oak winced at me and said, “You sound like you are up to no good.”

He then rustled his branches, slowly, trying to get to me. It was rather pathetic.

“The only way to catch me, Oak, is to get your roots up from the ground and move your ass a little!” I yelled as I bounded off. Insulted, he gasped.

No matter.

Leaving the garden, I found the woods. The woods were the same as the garden, but bigger and without Kit Blossoms. Speaking of Kit Blossoms, I searched for a quiet place to smoke them. But I had to be careful. Sprites and Nymphs wandered this area, pesky things really. I mean, Nymphs are splendid to look at but when they open their mouths, well, I don’t have enough Kit Blossoms to numb myself to that sort of babble. And worst of all, both Sprite and Nymph annoy me to no end by wanting to share my Kit Blossoms. Such leeches, they are. So, I hurried to a small cove beneath a few vines and branches, and there I packed my pipe.

“This is the gods’ secret ingredient,” I beamed, pulling the Kit Blossoms from my satchel. “This is what they put in their ambrosia. If ambrosia didn’t have this, then all you’re left with is pure slop.”

I puffed away on my pipe.

Also, I was very pleased that no one was around to bother me. I laid back and allowed the Kit Blossom to take its effect. As the plant began to work its magic, I realized that it was in that exact, hazy moment that I witnessed obnoxious things; things I was not meant to see.

For, at that moment, Loki passed through the woods.

He looked worried, holding on to a small crystal in his hand. He wasn’t one of our gods, so I didn’t fear him too much. But the last thing I wanted to get involved with was him. In fact, none of us woodland creatures looked forward to Loki’s visits. Unfortunately, the moron never remained in the North like he was supposed to. Nope. He always brought his shit down here. Rolling my eyes, I shuffled down further in my seat, hoping Loki would keep moving.

The bulk of Loki’s escapades typically involved some woman or another. At times a goddess was involved too. But more often than not, usually a love triangle ensued. Those gods sure loved their love triangles. Loki always wrapped himself up in some ridiculous, stupid woman. So, there he stood gripping the crystal, peering into it with what I proudly regarded as “Panic.” Then he threw it to the ground and fled.

Jackass.

Next, I heard footsteps racing after Loki. There went another god! He was angrily chasing Loki, of course. Then, the god stopped at the crystal and picked it up, looking over it. I had a better look at him now. Hades. I recognized that beard anywhere. And he looked furious. Hades threw down the crystal and tore off into the woods.

Loki had better run fast.

Naturally by that point I had resurrected myself from the tantalizing hallucination of ginger snaps and autumn rain, the only things one can see and smell under the influence of Kit Blossoms. I wrestled myself from the ground and waltzed over to the crystal. Picking it up, I cursed my dreadful curiosity. As drool oozed from my scraggly mouth, I blinked at the crystal, laughing at how stupid my big nose appeared in its spherical reflection.

“What are you doing, boy!?”

The voice startled me and I dropped the magical ball. Where did it come from?

“Down here!” it yelled.

I looked down at the crystal, realizing that it spoke to me.

And it was a woman’s voice…

I picked it back up and looked harder. There she was. I found her face. It reflected out from the edges of the ball.

“Where is Hades?” she demanded.

“He…” I stammered, “…erhm…went with Loki. Yep.”

“Loki!” she hollered. “That little weasel!”

“Yep,” I nodded.

Then she spoke some more but I have to admit I stopped listening to her. I began to think of this centaur I met the other day, his name was Piper Jaffray, yes stupid name, I know. But, I always wanted to share a bag of Kit Blossoms with him. He seemed like good company, one that would carry on conversation no matter what the direction. I remember the place we met was not far from the mountain of the gods and the water there sparkled with the essence of Helen – and oh how it smelled absolutely miraculous! Oh, and the lilies that grew there, you could live off those for a week. Just be careful of the water snakes, because those things can bite you when you try to wade through. I mean I don’t have a problem because my legs are covered in a thick fur, but this one time a maiden tried it and the snake ate off her entire leg! However, once a snake managed to bite me on the wrist, which is not such a protected part of my body, and the illness I endured for days after was insufferable. I wasn’t even able to move, let alone speak. It sort of paralyzed me, you know? But it was great because this Nymph from the creek brought me food and flowers everyday and that was nice, it really was – except when she talked. By the gods, did she ever talk! At length. But I didn’t mind as long as she fed me and looked as pretty as could be. I had to shut her out a few times by pretending to take a nap but she was so dumb that she never figured out that I was faking –

“HEY!” yelled the woman from inside the magical ball.

“Hm?” I asked, snapping back to reality.

“Are you listening?”

“Eh…”
“I said can you do me a favor?”

She was very frustrated.

“Uh…”

“Deliver me to Zeus. Now. I must speak with him.”

“Look lady…” I grumbled, “I am very tired right now. I do not want to get all mixed up in your pointless, god-y he-said, she-said. –But hey! I can put you right back where I found you and maybe Hades will come back and find you. Alright?”

“Don’t you dare you little runt!”

The angry woman yelled at me, for quite some time. But that’s alright, women always yell at me. Before she ran out of breath, I tossed the crystal to the ground. Naturally, the woman yelled even more, but I casually walked away.

Why?

Because, let me explain something. If ever there was a thing to be learned from my story, learn this; ignore the bidding of gods. They are selfish, ego-driven lumps of waste. Getting caught up in the pettiness of gods will result in dealing with Illogical Things.

Yes.

It’s best to avoid the demands of gods.

And from time to time… have a smoke.

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Trista DiGiuseppi is the author of Nails Jane, now available for purchase. (Nails Jane is also available from a variety of other vendors.)